Chocolate (Masters of Horror)

Show: Masters of Horror (Showtime, 2005-2007)

Episode: Chocolate

Grade: D

Showtime's Masters of Horror was, in my mind - and we're talking strictly in television terms here - one of the great disappointments from this past decade. The initial announcement  of the show roused all kinds of buzz on the internet and naturally whet the appetite of horror anthology fans everywhere.  It had been a long time since we had anything of quality to tune into on a regular basis, and here finally was the show that was going to bring the scary back to television. Showtime was - is - a great network, with (mostly) very fine programming, and all of the pieces were in place for something seriously promising. And then it aired, and the first episode got really good ratings. It aired again. And again. And people kind of talked about it, and seemed to enjoy it (at least the few I talked to who watched it did.) It aired for two entire seasons, got a DVD release, and that's it, the story just kind of ends there. The point being, if you're going to tap some of the great minds of the genre for a horror anthology show you've had the gumption to label Masters of Horror - a show that's going to be airing on cable no less - well, you'd better damn sure bring it. And the fact is that Masters of Horror just didn't. Not really. Sure, there were a few bright spots, like John Carpenter's Cigarette Burns, and Stuart Gordon's Dreams in the Witch House (which I maintain is visually one of the purest Lovecraftian visions ever filmed), but just as often the show fell flat on its face with silly, uninspired episodes that were frequently hampered by excess slack, a function of the show's ill-advised one hour format (the hour has rarely done a service to anthology shows; few have pulled it off.) And ultimately Masters of Horror just never delivered on its promise, never delivered the fresh jolt of energy to the genre that was expected of it. A reincarnation of the show (same creators) titled Fear, Itself aired on NBC in mid-2008, and farted through its handful of lackluster episodes before being taken off the air presumably for good, leaving behind in its trail nothing but a vast aura of disappointment from many a horror fan.

Ok, now that I've gotten that off my chest (don't expect other reviews to be nearly this long, I needed to vent that), this past weekend I decided to break out my MoH box set, with one particular episode in mind, Mick Garrison's Chocolate, which had the distinction in my memory of being the single worst episode of the entire series (or at least of what I saw - I didn't bother with the last few from the second season.) So why would I ever care to see it again? Well, in short, I wanted to know if it was as bad as I remembered it being. I figured that if I kicked off this blog with one of my favorite anthology episodes of all time, I might as well follow it with one that I find entirely disagreeable, and lord knows I'll probably never have anything remotely resembling good reason to watch it again. So, was Chocolate as bad as I remembered? Unfortunately, it pretty much was.

The plot of Chocolate: Jamie (Henry Thomas), a culinary engineer who makes artificial flavors for a living, one day out of the clear blue sky begins randomly tasting chocolate. He also begins to experience other senses becoming impaired at the most inopportune times, such as losing his hearing while talking to a lady at a club, or losing his sight while driving at night. Soon, Jamie starts receiving visions that accompany these oddities. The visions, Jamie comes to discover, are that of the perspective of an unknown gorgeous blonde woman. He sees what she sees, both small meaningless moments - like visiting a zoo - as well as more important things, such as the abusive behavior of what appears to be her boyfriend, and her sexual encounters, which Jamie himself can feel and enjoy (in a not-so-subtle riff on the infinitely superior in every possible way Being John Malkovich.) One day he witnesses something particularly disturbing in one of these visions, and having now fallen in love with the mystery woman, sets out to track her down. Now, to be fair, that is a fairly interesting set-up. One could argue that the story could follow any number of interesting paths from here. The main problem with Chocolate is that the movie never extends itself beyond this premise. Without giving any spoilers away (as I will always try not to, without a warning at least), nothing happens. Jamie tracks the woman down, she acts about the way you would expect someone in her shoes to act when presented with his story, a violent climax ensues (along with one last "ironic" manifestation of Jamie's visions), and just like that it's over, with nothing explained, no loose ends tied up, and more importantly no sense that this ambiguity is supposed to be in any way, shape or form thoughtful or deliberate; the whole thing just feels sloppy and backed into a corner. Fortunately for the viewer, this isn't as offensive as it could have been, because there was no real tension or real sense of mystery in the first place. There's certainly nothing distinguished about the movies photography (it's rather ugly in all honesty.) There's just an interesting premise stretched miles too thin, with loads of banal exposition and more hackneyed dialogue than you can shake a stick at. In short - the exact opposite of everything that a show called Masters of Horror should have been. But as is, Chocolate stands as a firm encapsulation of every mediocrity that by-and-large plagued the entire baffling, underwhelming series.